We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
