i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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