so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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