i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
