cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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