How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
