Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
