Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
