1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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