I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
