i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
