i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize