seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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