Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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