I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
