I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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