i was born a porn star she said
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
