after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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