I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize