honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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