I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
