I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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