I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
