You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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