so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
