I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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