she woke up with a sticky ear
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
