that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
