Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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