I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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