I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
