just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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