Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
