There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
