I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
