Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize