Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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