You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
