sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
