Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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