She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
