I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize