Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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