Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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