dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize