My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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