A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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