Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
