Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
