I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
