I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
