i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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