I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
