I cannot find my penis.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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