remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
