you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
