"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
