Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
