I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
