i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
