Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
