We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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