Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
