Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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