Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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