You can't special order awesome
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
