I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
