Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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