my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
