I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
