cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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