I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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