I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
