I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
